Divorce is a challenging time for everyone involved, especially children, who may be impacted just as much as adults during a separation. Research consistently shows that the level and duration of conflict post-separation has a causal link to the impact on a child’s emotional well-being. While there is no easy way to break the news to your children that you are separated, there are strategies to assist the children to better cope with the news.

Communicating the News

When discussing separation with your children, it is crucial to tailor the message to their age, maturity and individual personality. Keep personal feelings, such as guilt, anger or blame, out of the conversation, and instead focus on:

• Reassurance: It is beneficial to reinforce in the child’s mind that the separation is not their fault and reassure them that both parents still love them and will continue to be involved in their lives.
• Honesty: Be open and honest with them, listen to their concerns and encourage them to express their feelings.
• Prepare them for changes: In the event that parenting arrangements have been agreed upon, it may be beneficial to provide the child with information about the change to their living arrangements and daily routine to help them mentally prepare for the shift.

Shield Them from Conflict

Following the initial conversation breaking the news to the child, it is critical to, to the best of your ability, shield the child from any conflict arising from the separation. We suggest:

• Minimising exposure: Keep your children away from any visible and audible conflict as much as possible.
• Schedule discussions wisely: If face-to-face or telephone contact is likely to result in conflict, try to schedule these interactions for times when the children are not present.

Quality Time

It is important to make an effort to spend quality time with your children through this hard time to ensure that they are feeling loved and that they are not to blame. This provides support to both you and your children.

Avoid Emotional Burdens

As a parent, you need to ensure you are not leaning on your children as support. Even if they seem willing to step into this role, it can be difficult for them to manage this responsibility and can be extremely damaging to the child, making them feel as though they are ‘in the middle’. Focus on their needs and provide them with the support they require.

Seek Professional Help

It is critical to provide age-appropriate forms of support for children. Ensuring you consult with the other parent, this could be through:

• A school counsellor;
• An external psychologist or therapist;
• Books; or
• Online information.